I didn’t want to go. I couldn’t see myself at Disneyland without Kristen.
2005 was the last time our entire family was there. Kristen enjoyed it
but after a few days she was ready to go home. She and I spend most of our time
on the kiddie rides. Our favorite ride was the tea cups.
Last year when Kristen was sick, my husband asked her if
she would like to go to Disneyland.
She replied, “No I’m Ok…HOME.”
A few weeks ago when my oldest son started planning the trip,
I was looking for an excuse to stay home. I couldn’t find one.
I decided I best stop feeling sorry for myself and give in to the fact that I was indeed going to Disneyland…without Kristen.
My youngest son left a few days earlier and rode down with my oldest son and his family.
Rich and I left early Sunday morning by ourselves, just the 2 of us.
We don’t do things like that alone. I have 6 children. Wherever we went they
also came with us. I realized we were meeting most of them there,
but just the fact that we were alone in the car driving to Disneyland was just plain weird.
I kept checking the back seat expecting to see a bunch of kids.
Kristen and I were inseparable. It was rare to see her without me and me without her.
Then throw in the fact that 2 of my daughters were married last year and
that leaves me with one son left at home. Sometimes the realities of the
events of last year are just too much, and looking in the empty back seat was
almost more than I could handle.
But… I did it. We actually had fun, as I type the word fun, I feel guilty.
The water show was fascinating. As I sat there in the dark watching
the water, the lights and the disney characters that Kristen loved so much,
I felt that Kristen was enjoying the same show I was.
After a couple of days at Disney we headed to the beach.
I loved it there. I could have stayed at the beach for days.
I always told Kristen, “I love you big as the ocean.”
She would always reply with a smile and a big “no”
I would continue with a big, “yes I do”
And she would continue with “no”
It would soon turn into a tickling match and she would laugh
till she could hardly breathe.
As I stood there looking into the vast ocean I decided she was right,
I didn’t love her big as the ocean
I love her bigger than that…much bigger.
Kristen on the tea cups 2005