I created this blog when my sweet little girl, Kristen, was diagnosed with cancer, for the third time. After fighting for almost 3 years Kristen was called home to that same God who gave her life. One of my favorite quotes comes from Neal A. Maxwell- "Those who "plow in hope" not only understand the law of the harvest but they also understand what growing seasons are all about. True, those with genuine hope may see their proximate circumstances shaken like a kaleidoscope at times, yet with the "Eye of faith" they still see divine design." Kristen blessed lives and continues to do so. Her light continues to shine. As for me, I continue to "plow in hope" knowing well that Kristen is mine for eternity. Families can be together forever!

Friday, February 4, 2011

big as the ocean

I didn’t want to go. I couldn’t see myself at Disneyland without Kristen.
2005 was the last time our entire family was there. Kristen enjoyed it
but after a few days she was ready to go home. She and I spend most of our time
on the kiddie rides. Our favorite ride was the tea cups.
Last year when Kristen was sick, my husband asked her if
she would like to go to Disneyland.
She replied, “No I’m Ok…HOME.”

A few weeks ago when my oldest son started planning the trip,
 I was looking for an excuse to stay home. I couldn’t find one.
I decided I best stop feeling sorry for myself and give in to the fact that I was indeed going to Disneyland…without Kristen.
My youngest son left a few days earlier and rode down with my oldest son and his family.
 Rich and I left early Sunday morning by ourselves, just the 2 of us.
We don’t do things like that alone. I have 6 children. Wherever we went they
also came with us. I realized we were meeting most of them there,
but just the fact that we were alone in the car driving to Disneyland was just plain weird.
I kept checking the back seat expecting to see a bunch of kids.
 Kristen and I were inseparable. It was rare to see her without me and me without her.
Then throw in the fact that 2 of my daughters were married last year and
 that leaves me with one son left at home. Sometimes the realities of the
events of last year are just too much, and looking in the empty back seat was
 almost more than I could handle.
But… I did it. We actually had fun, as I type the word fun, I feel guilty.

The water show was fascinating. As I sat there in the dark watching
the water, the lights and  the disney characters that Kristen loved so much,
I felt that Kristen was enjoying the same show I was.

After a couple of days at Disney we headed to the beach.
I loved it there. I could have stayed at the beach for days.
I always told Kristen, “I love you big as the ocean.”
She would always reply with a smile and a big “no”
I would continue with a big, “yes I do”
And she would continue with “no”
It would soon turn into a tickling match and she would laugh
till she could hardly breathe.
As I stood there looking into the vast ocean I decided she was right,
 I didn’t love her big as the ocean
 I love her bigger than that…much bigger.

Kristen on the tea cups 2005


Zoey's mom said...

Oh what I wouldn't have given and wouldn't have done,to be able to have driven the little over an hour to see you and given you a hug.I hope you time with your family was all you have wished for,minus your sweet Kristen but I am certain she was smiling from above and so proud of you for going.

*I told Lois' mom that I was taking Zoey to the zoo and to the beach on the day of Lois' celebration and writing her name in the sand ...Oh these two girls.What an imprint they have made on our hearts.

Amy L said...

Polly, I admire you so much for your courage and how you put others before your own feelings. I grow more as a Mom each time I read your blog. You are an inspiration. As I read your words, I am of course in tears because I can only imagine how much you miss Kristen. I'm praying for you always and holding you and Kristen in my thoughts and heart each day.

Rochelle said...

Glad you were able to enjoy your trip with family.

Brighton said...

I am so glad you went and that you had fun. Kristen would want it that way : o )

ABandCsMom said...

So glad you were able to go along with your family. What a joy to have such a large, loving family.

I can relate about the empty backseat. :(

My little thing that I always told Carly, "I love you bunches of oats." She always loved the TV ad of Honey Bunches of Oats Cereal. Every time that ad would come on TV she was glued to it. For the life of me, I could never figure out why! Then she'd tell me she wanted some. Funny thing tho, she flat out refused to ever try that kind of cereal. In fact, the only cereal she would eat was Cheerios..and that was very rare.

I sure do miss saying those words to her. Sure I can say the words, but now I get no giggle. No hug. Nothing.

Love the pic's, especially the one of Kristen's name in the sand.


Groves said...

What happened to the cute picture of you in the van, I think looking out the window...? Or did I imagine that one? I don't think I did, but now I can't find it. Did the picture fairy take off with it? :)

Cathy in Missouri