Usually by now we would have pumpkins, costumes and lots of candy ready to go. Kristen loved Halloween. If ever we were at the store she would always stop by the costumes and the candy and load up the cart. She never ate candy; she only wanted it for Audrey and for her nieces and nephews. She was always thinking of others. She would also look over the costumes and point out her favorite for the each of the grandkids. It seems as though Kristen always wanted to be either a witch or a princess. Most of our costumes were ruined in the flood, but I was able to save Kristen’s.
I washed them all up and now they hang in her closet.
Last night I went to parent teachers conference for Ryan, my 16 year old. Parent teachers at the high school are always such a drag. It takes forever. I was on my second to the last teacher and a neighbor sat down next to me. She was apologetic as she said she only heard about Kristen a few weeks ago. She asked questions and I answered them. She asked about her last night and if she was in pain. I told her a little about the last night and how I knew I was putting Kristen in bed for the last time. I should have stopped there, but I continued to tell her how peaceful it seemed. I told her Kristen’s heart just stopped and then she took a few last breathes and then she was gone. It was then my turn to talk with the teacher so I left. All of a sudden it hit me. Did I just say that? Did I seriously just say that her heart stopped? I suddenly felt anxiety slipping in. I have no idea what the teacher said. I hurried and stood up and looked for an escape. I quickly slipped into a dark hall way. I stood there in a dark corner fighting the urge to throw up. I soon found my way to the restroom where I just stood still for what seemed like forever. Then the tears came. Once again the reality of my loss was staring me in the face. I went over Kristen’s last 12 hours again and again. I am not sure how long I was there, but I soon found myself wetting a paper towel and wiping the mascara off of my cheeks. I searched for my sunglasses and put them on as I again slipped into the dark hall. I went outside to another building to see one last teacher. There was a line, and I was thankful for that line. It gave me a few more minutes as I stood there under my dark sunglasses to gain my composer. I remember counting my breathes as I breathed in for 3 counts and out for 3 counts. It was soon my turn to see the teacher. I slipped off the glasses and listened as she told me she loves Ryan. He is such a great kid she said. She then asked if there is anything she should know about him.
I pulled a picture of Kristen out of my purse and said,
“Ryan lost his sister just a few weeks ago and he too is having a hard time.”
I think I just needed to tell someone. to share her with someone.
The teacher was very kind,
she picked up the picture and said,
“I love children with Down syndrome, I have a cousin who is so sweet.”
We talked more about Ryan and she thanked me for giving some insight to
what Ryan may be going through. I seriously ran out of that building found my car and soon found myself here…
I still haven’t ordered Kristen’s headstone. We want the perfect one. I like something and Richard doesn’t. He likes something I don’t like it. I told myself that by the end of this week I would have it ordered so it can be installed before winter. I better get on it today.
First I need to find my sunglasses as today I am sure I will need them.
And now a little smile from our little pumpkin