I created this blog when my sweet little girl, Kristen, was diagnosed with cancer, for the third time. After fighting for almost 3 years Kristen was called home to that same God who gave her life. One of my favorite quotes comes from Neal A. Maxwell- "Those who "plow in hope" not only understand the law of the harvest but they also understand what growing seasons are all about. True, those with genuine hope may see their proximate circumstances shaken like a kaleidoscope at times, yet with the "Eye of faith" they still see divine design." Kristen blessed lives and continues to do so. Her light continues to shine. As for me, I continue to "plow in hope" knowing well that Kristen is mine for eternity. Families can be together forever!

Thursday, September 30, 2010

October is almost here. really?

Usually by now we would have pumpkins, costumes and lots of candy ready to go. Kristen loved Halloween. If ever we were at the store she would always stop by the costumes and the candy and load up the cart. She never ate candy; she only wanted it for Audrey and for her nieces and nephews. She was always thinking of others. She would also look over the costumes and point out her favorite for the each of the grandkids. It seems as though Kristen always wanted to be either a witch or a princess. Most of our costumes were ruined in the flood, but I was able to save Kristen’s.
 I washed them all up and now they hang in her closet.

Last night I went to parent teachers conference for Ryan, my 16 year old. Parent teachers at the high school are always such a drag. It takes forever. I was on my second to the last teacher and a neighbor sat down next to me. She was apologetic as she said she only heard about Kristen a few weeks ago. She asked questions and I answered them. She asked about her last night and if she was in pain. I told her a little about the last night and how I knew I was putting Kristen in bed for the last time. I should have stopped there, but I continued to tell her how peaceful it seemed. I told her Kristen’s heart just stopped and then she took a few last breathes and then she was gone. It was then my turn to talk with the teacher so I left. All of a sudden it hit me. Did I just say that? Did I seriously just say that her heart stopped? I suddenly felt anxiety slipping in. I have no idea what the teacher said. I hurried and stood up and looked for an escape. I quickly slipped into a dark hall way. I stood there in a dark corner fighting the urge to throw up. I soon found my way to the restroom where I just stood still for what seemed like forever. Then the tears came. Once again the reality of my loss was staring me in the face. I went over Kristen’s last 12 hours again and again. I am not sure how long I was there, but I soon found myself wetting a paper towel and wiping the mascara off of my cheeks. I searched for my sunglasses and put them on as I again slipped into the dark hall. I went outside to another building to see one last teacher. There was a line, and I was thankful for that line. It gave me a few more minutes as I stood there under my dark sunglasses to gain my composer. I remember counting my breathes as I breathed in for 3 counts and out for 3 counts. It was soon my turn to see the teacher. I slipped off the glasses and listened as she told me she loves Ryan. He is such a great kid she said. She then asked if there is anything she should know about him.
I pulled a picture of Kristen out of my purse and said,
“Ryan lost his sister just a few weeks ago and he too is having a hard time.”
I think I just needed to tell someone. to share her with someone.
The teacher was very kind,
she picked up the picture and said,
“I love children with Down syndrome, I have a cousin who is so sweet.”
We talked more about Ryan and she thanked me for giving some insight to
what Ryan may be going through. I seriously ran out of that building found my car and soon found myself here…

I still haven’t ordered Kristen’s headstone. We want the perfect one. I like something and Richard doesn’t. He likes something I don’t like it. I told myself that by the end of this week I would have it ordered so it can be installed before winter. I better get on it today.
First I need to find my sunglasses as today I am sure I will need them.

And now a little smile from our little pumpkin


Mandy said...

I so wish there was something I could do or say that would make your day a little brighter....... please know I am praying for you and thinking of Kristen.

stephanie said...

Polly, i should be crying in fact I had a stomach ache reading this post, but the comment box is right next to the Rockstar picture and i can't help but smile a big , big smile.
I was so touched by the part of you post about Kristen loading up on candy... but no for herself. How sweet.

How I would love to meet one day Poly.

Rochelle said...

Oh Polly, the tears are streaming as I am reading this post.
I am glad you shared Kristen with Ryan's teacher, as a former HS teacher and principal it was always nice to know what was going on in my kid's lives so that I could walk it with them.
Also, reminds me to keep praying not only for you but for all Kristen's family.
I know the first of everything is especially difficult, will continue praying for you all as the holidays approach.

The VW's said...

It must be so difficult to go through your everyday activities without Kristen. My heart breaks for you, as I read your words! I pray that God gives you strength and peace until you are able to see your sweet girl again.

Also, as I was reading your blog, my 7 year old came up and looked at Kristen's picture at the top of your blog and he smiled and said; "AWW! She has such a nice smile!" And, I have to agree with him....looking at Kristen's pictures always make me smile too!

Love, Hugs and Prayers!!!

Zoey's mom said...

Wishing in that moment,in that dark hall,in that empty bathroom,that I was there and able to give you a hug.

As I have watched so many of my mommy friends from our floor,lose their children,I know,that there is nothing we can do for you but listen and pray.And that is what I will continue to do as you navigate moments like last night.

Love and prayers Polly

*set you a FB reply!

Amy L said...

Polly, how I wish that I could take your pain away. I'll never forget the day I read your post telling us that the doctors said there was nothing more they could do. I just sat and cried and cried. Every time I read a post of yours after that, I would hope for a miracle, that this would be the post where you said she would be alright. My heart breaks just knowing the pain you feel over losing Kristen. She touched so many of us with her beautiful smile and courageous heart!!
Love to all of you,
Amy and boys

Groves said...

Dearest girl, and her dear, dear Mother.

You are a picture of love - true love - over and over. When I read your words, your love for her pours off the page. Kristen has the best Mother anyone could have.

Thank you for sharing what you do. Even in the midst of your terrible suffering and heartache and missing her, you do more good than you know.

I am so glad you are in the world, Polly. Please keep on sharing Kristen with us, all you want to. Her life continues to make a difference and so does yours.

With love,

Cathy in Missouri

Monica said...


Like one the other readers said...I should be crying right now...but once again Kristen has made me smile. My heart hurts for you...NO PARENT should ever have to endure the loss of their precious child.

I don't always comment...but I really love your blog. But I always read and I always leave feeling deeply moved. I think it would be wonderful if Kristen's story could reach a larger audience.