I created this blog when my sweet little girl, Kristen, was diagnosed with cancer, for the third time. After fighting for almost 3 years Kristen was called home to that same God who gave her life. One of my favorite quotes comes from Neal A. Maxwell- "Those who "plow in hope" not only understand the law of the harvest but they also understand what growing seasons are all about. True, those with genuine hope may see their proximate circumstances shaken like a kaleidoscope at times, yet with the "Eye of faith" they still see divine design." Kristen blessed lives and continues to do so. Her light continues to shine. As for me, I continue to "plow in hope" knowing well that Kristen is mine for eternity. Families can be together forever!

Friday, August 13, 2010

Missing my girl

I’m missing my girl. Everything I see reminds me of her. Today while at Costco I saw the previews for a movie, I thought, “Kristen will love that.” Then it hits me again. Nope, I can’t buy it for her. I finally came up with a plan. Whenever I see something that I know Kristen would have loved, I am going to purchase it and give it to someone.  Kristen loved markers and colored pencils and with school supplies being dirt cheap right now, I bought markers, lots of markers, I am going to put some kits together for the cancer kids at the hospital. Whenever a new release movie comes out that I know Kristen would have loved I am going to buy it and drop it off at the hospital for the cancer unit. Today I signed up to make a Christmas tree and donate it in memory of Kristen for the Festival of Tress. One more thing I did today, I actually printed off volunteer applications for 2 different hospitals. I have found that being busy is best. I have found myself home alone on many occasions, something that I haven’t encountered for 24 years. It feels odd. I find myself turning on the radio or the television just to break the silence.
I have carried this central line emergency kit in my car for the past 2 years. It contained supplies for Kristen’s line as well as a change of clothing for her. I have replaced this emergency kit with something I call my cemetery emergency kit. Seems I spend quite a bit of time there and I find myself looking for something to put water in to fill Kristen’s vase or I need some grass shears. I thought of the many things I might need at the cemetery and put together this kit. I even bought a small bag of grass seed to fill in a
 few bare spots around Kristen’s grave.
Thank You for your kind words, your letters and cards. They help as I continue to try to pull myself out of this fog. My heart continues to harbor deep sorrow. Even so I continue to learn from Kristen as she had always shown strength, fortitude, determination and the sheer power to survive all that life dealt her.
If she can do it, I can at least try.

25 comments:

Rochelle said...

Kristen obviously learned how to be an angel from her mother. You are amazing Polly.
I am so glad that you are finding ways to turn Kristen's favorites into a joy for others.
You all continue to be a blessing to others through the wonderful life you lead.
We will continue to pray for you on your journey.

Lacey said...

Thats a fantastic idea. To buy these things and take them up to the hospital! I can't even imagine how you are feeling right now.
We would love for you to come sell sno cones for us. We pushed it back to next week because of Jax being in the hospital!

Cindy said...

I am in awe at the way you are handling the grieving process. Such great ideas - buying the video because Kristen would have loved it... then giving it away. You are an amazing lady.

Angi said...

You are absolutely AMAZING me right now, you are taking control, you are spreading Kristen's beautiful spirit, I cannot describe how wonderful it is to read your post today, you are making me smile, just as big as the day I received Kristen's bracelets and especially the day I received her precious pictures!

The VW's said...

You are one awesome lady! Great job finding such useful and giving ways to keep Kristen's memory alive and for helping you to get through the grieving process! It always helps us to give to others and this must help you as well! I think of you and your sweet Kristen often.....Love, Hugs and Prayers!!!

Heather said...

I remember vividly,being told by my uncle,during Zoey's first fragile months,that I was an inspiration.I sat on my stairs and cried out,"But i don't want to be an inspiration.I don't want to be."I can only imagine,in a much deeper,and despairing way,that you don't either but you are sweet friend you are.And i am infinitely proud of you and your Angel girl and i am blessed each and everytime I come hear and read your words.

Prayers of strength to you in great abundance.

Anne and Whitney: Up, Down and All Around said...

i am thinking of you and kristen and your family often and know that with kristen watching over you everything is going to be alright - i didn't know kristen, but i bet she would absolutely love your idea of buying things she would love and giving it to the hospital for the kids on the cancer unit! what a wonderful/generous idea!!!!!!!! sending hugs!

Amy L said...

What a wonderful way to honor Kristen! You are such an amazing person, Polly. I am so inspired by you and by Kristen. What a beautful Love Story the two of you have.
Sending hugs to you and your family,
Amy and sons

Brighton said...

That is a brilliant plan! How very creative and it will help someone else- a great way to pay it forward. What a lovely way to honor Kristen.

Lori Hogan said...

Polly I don't comment often because I just can't ever come up with the words that I feel inside for you. Please remember that I will keep you in my prayers as I ask God to give you strength to continue on without your beautiful angel right by your side.

Lori Hogan
Valparaiso, IN

江趙雲虹趙雲虹仁昆 said...

知識可以傳授,智慧卻不行。每個人必須成為他自己。. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Kellan's momma said...

I had occasionally reading your blog to see how Kristen was doing, but the summer season busyness had gotten the better of me and I hadn't visited in a while. My heart is sad to see that Kristen passed away. I cannot begin to imagine your saddness, but I know she is with you always. And yes, I see her in your new granddaughter!! My heart and prayers are with you.
Christina

Monica said...

What a wonderful plan...I am certain that Kristen is in heaven beaming with pride for her mother.

Dawn said...

My daughter turns 21 in a few days & her future is up in the air because of her medically fragility. For the last 20+ years my life has been full of taking care of her. I don't know what I'm going to do when she is gone, no matter when that happens.

I can only hope to weather that time with the grace and beauty you have shown on your journey. You are the example that I strive to be. Thank you so much for sharing this time with us.

You honor your precious daughter's memory.

Kristin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kristin said...

Thank you for your comment. I can't tell you the number of times I've thought of you, Carter, and Carly's families this weekend. And so grateful for our faith. I cannot imagine what it's like to lose a child. It was an amazing day in the temple, sealing Max to us forever, having my father pass merely hours before. The spirit was strong. I know it was a blessing for my stepmom to be there. She was completely calm sitting in the sealing room. It was incredible.
twodogfamily(at)comcast(dot)net

Lorraine, AKA Forever Blessed said...

I left a comment for you not too long ago, but I can't recall exactly what I said. :-) Our 4-year-old daughter, Chrissie (adopted from Serbia with severe congenital heart defects) went to Heaven on May 19, 2010. I have found such comfort and gained amazing Heaven wisdom from the book Have Heart by The Bergers (a pastor and his wife whose son went to Heaven after a car accident). You can get the book at www.haveheart.net. I HIGHLY recommend it. Our blog is www.AllArePreciousInHisSight.blogspot.com. I am finding myself wanting/needing to get connected to more and more moms who are walking the same path as me. Losing a child cannot be compared to anything else. I am so sorry for your loss.

Sherry said...

HI I just found your blog and I am so sorry about the lost of your little angel. She is up in heaven dancing I can see her now.I just want to say I loved how you had the balloons and I jsut wanted to let you know what we do. My father past away 2 years ago on fathers day and when we get together for Christmas we have a tank and we fill balloons and in the balloons we all write a letter to my father. They we releace them and wait till the last one is gone to heaven so my father can read them. I love doing this and so do the kids. You and your family or in my thoughts and prayers.

Peter Olson said...

Wow, that is a great idea! You are such a blessing to everyone.

We continue to pray for joy, comfort and peace for you and your family.

You are an incredible person.

We placed a luminary bag beside our Relay For Life campsite 'In Memory of Kristen'.

I pray for you today.

Jeana said...

What beautiful ways to honor Kristen. Thank you for sharing your light with us all.

瑰潼 said...

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1dreamr said...

Sending you many prayers. May the happy memories of your beautiful daughter help to carry you through. What a wonderful idea -- giving things Kristen would enjoy to others.... I'm inspired by your grace and strength...

Groves said...

Yes, I agree with the comment that Kristen learned how to be an angel from her Mom. You and your girl have touched my heart so much.

There has been a decade of severe illness and the grief that comes with it at our house - and reading your post made me think, "That is the kind of example worth following." You are clearly going out of your way to build others up and encourage them, even in the midst of your own suffering and loss. You have really made an impact - and your example of never quitting means more than you know.

I wish so much that your girl could be with you today! She is one in many millions - and her life matters so much. I am so sad you have to soldier on without her by your side.

Thank you for letting us know her through you.

Cathy in Missouri

Shea said...

Please accept my condolences! Your daughter was just lovely and I think it is wonderful how you are honoring her memory.

ABandCsMom said...

Oh Polly,
I wish I had half of your faith and courage to walk this terrible road of grief. I too, am at home all day. I'm reminded of Carly in every inch of this house. Our room. The living room. The bathrooms. EVERYWHERE.Carly was my life. I'm so lost without her. I don't turn the TV on during the day... partly because I can't deal with the 'back to school' ads. They really upset me. Only once in a while I listen to the radio. I spend a lot of time outside. Mowing, pulling weeds, planting flowers, hanging out laundry to dry on the line, etc....

I too have a plastic tote in the back of my car that contains many of the items you carry in your bag now. My tote stays in my car (Ford Explorer)with 2gal jugs of water, a small shovel, scissors and a storage baggie of soil.

I think of you often and admire the way you are handling the whole grieving process. We aren't doing quite as well as you. We're just doing.