I created this blog when my sweet little girl, Kristen, was diagnosed with cancer, for the third time. After fighting for almost 3 years Kristen was called home to that same God who gave her life. One of my favorite quotes comes from Neal A. Maxwell- "Those who "plow in hope" not only understand the law of the harvest but they also understand what growing seasons are all about. True, those with genuine hope may see their proximate circumstances shaken like a kaleidoscope at times, yet with the "Eye of faith" they still see divine design." Kristen blessed lives and continues to do so. Her light continues to shine. As for me, I continue to "plow in hope" knowing well that Kristen is mine for eternity. Families can be together forever!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Is it morning yet?

I am continually reminded of the finality of my loss. I stopped by the mortuary to pick up Kristen’s death certificate. I sat there alone in the car afraid to open the brown envelope as I knew well what was inside. For a moment I found myself unable to move. Then I slowly opened the envelope to see, “Certificate of Death”
As I kept reading the thought kept coming into my head, this isn’t real, when is someone going to wake me from this nightmare?
 “Cause of Death: Acute Myeloid Leukemia.”
By now the tears were flowing freely as I drove up the hill behind the mortuary to Kristen’s grave site. Hers is easy to find as it is always adorned with flowers, angels and windmills. I could not help but notice the windmill swiftly turning as there appeared to be no wind. I smiled through the tears and thought, ‘That’s my girl.” She always had a way of comforting me when she was here why would it be any different now. I have decided that Kristen was too pure,
too lovely, too delicate, too radiant, and too perfect to stay here.
Now I am left here to figure out for myself how to enjoy life once again
rather than just enduring it.

…weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.
Psalms 30:5

This past weekend we met at my mother’s house for dinner. As you can see I have been blessed with wonderful children and grandchildren. I am thankful for family who give me reason to try harder as I wait for morning to arrive.


Lacey said...

Those cute grandkids would brighten my day as well! I'm so glad you have great kids!

stefanie said...

I think you are right...she was to special for this world, you are blessed to have such wonderful family in your life, but I know it still doesn't make the pain go away, but I know she would want you to try to be happy, like she was.

Rochelle said...

Those sweet faces would definitely brighten anyone's day. So thankful that you have family close to spend time with.
I love that psalm you included.

Tina said...

You're so lucky to have such beautiful grandkids and such a wonderful large family. They must be a great source of comfort although I am sure the days could not be easy to get through. But as you say Kristin would not have wanted you to spend your days in sadness, celebrate her life and know that she wants you to to be happy.

Dawn said...

I'm glad that you have the comfort of big, loving family. Your grandchildren have a beautiful guardian angel watching over them.

As much as I would love to be able to offer you some word of comfort during your grief, I inevitably end up leaving your blog the one comforted by you.

Thank you so much for sharing this difficult journey.

Kristin said...

I remember going to visit my little brother's grave and seeing the pinwheel on his grave turning on a windless day, and no others in the area were moving. Kristen's spirit is definitely close.

Monica said...

I wish I could come up with a magic word that would instantly make your heart stop hurting. I wholeheartedly believe that Kristen was there making that windmill spin just to see you smile. I also believe she was right there encouraging you to go back to Half Moon Lake.

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

You have such a lovely family...and they will help you get through this...and you will help them.

Hang in there Polly...you are in my prayers.

Emma said...

I don't really know what to say nowadays. I was reminded of this old hymn while reading of your grief for Kristen.

The last verse says:

Does Jesus care when I've said goodbye
to the dearest on earth to me
and my sad heart aches till it nearly breaks
is it aught to Him does He see

(chorus says)
Oh YES He cares I KNOW He cares
His heart is touched with my grief
when the days are weary the long nights dreary
I know my Saviour cares.

Thinking of you still, and please remember our Saviour will never leave you, He is still right there beside you. You'll never be alone. Kristen now sees Him face to face, for her I'm sure that was a glorious day, and even more so the day you see her again. Each person lost, one more to meet in heaven.

Much love and blessings,

Kristi said...

(((Polly))) I know it still hurts so bad, but you are doing everything right and have the right attitude!
Your children and grandchildren are GORGEOUS! I love your strong family bond that you have and hope that I am building the same thing with my own family. You are an inspiration to us all!

JennyH said...

You sound like you are doing OK. I'm glad. I know it is so hard.

You do have a bunch of cute little kids there to cheer you up.

Angi said...

Thinking of you Polly and your beautiful Kristen, I have no doubt in my mind she will carry you through this to a place that makes you feel "okay"...you are a very lucky lady, to have so much:-) You will make her proud, just as she made you proud!

Brighton said...

Hugs to you, Polly-

Zoey's mom said...

Love and prayers my friend.That is what I send you each morning upon waking and each night before I sleep.

I so love the quote on the header.Perfect for your perfect girl.

Amy L said...

My heart aches for you Polly, that had to be so hard to read. Kristen was too precious and good for this world, we all know that. I think about her everyday. Even though I was never blessed to have met her, she has touched my life in such a profound way. I so look forward to the day that I can meet Kristen in Heaven.

stephanie said...

hi Polly, your blog looks beautiful. We just got home from camping, had a special moment I can't wait to blog about. You'll want to read this! Have to get organized first.

You continue to amaze me. Love the quote in your header, just perfect, and all Kristen!
Love and hugs