I created this blog when my sweet little girl, Kristen, was diagnosed with cancer, for the third time. After fighting for almost 3 years Kristen was called home to that same God who gave her life. One of my favorite quotes comes from Neal A. Maxwell- "Those who "plow in hope" not only understand the law of the harvest but they also understand what growing seasons are all about. True, those with genuine hope may see their proximate circumstances shaken like a kaleidoscope at times, yet with the "Eye of faith" they still see divine design." Kristen blessed lives and continues to do so. Her light continues to shine. As for me, I continue to "plow in hope" knowing well that Kristen is mine for eternity. Families can be together forever!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

How hard can it be...

to put one foot in front of the other? Really hard. It has been 10 days and I just swept the floor yesterday. Today the laundry is almost  finished. Kristen's pajamas and socks came through and I neatly folded them and put them into her drawer. I could almost hear her saying, "Me...I want to do it." She always liked to put her own clothes away.
Today it was an honor for me to do it.  


I have been spending time here. I know she isn't here but it does my heart good. I know she is prancing and dancing and free of cancer for the first time in almost 2 years.
I have thought many times about this past 10 days and mostly the 2 weeks leading up to July 20th. I have looked at pictures and I now can see that she was much more sick than I thought she was. I knew she was sick but I thought she would kick this pneumonia and have at least another good month or 2. But it wasn't to be. We feel so blessed and are so very thankful that she passed peacefully,
and that she was home with her family.
That is quite a miracle itself.

These pictures were taken July 3rd. She is dangling her ropes as she always did. 


These pictures were taken 2 weeks later on July 17th. She spent the night in the PICU as we tried to control her pneumonia and get her on oxygen so that we could bring her home. She looks very sick. She had stopped eating the way she normally did a few days prior. I had been hand feeding her for the past week. I fed her oatmeal, cream of wheat, soup and jello. She would have about 5 bites and then she was finished.
I would wait a few hours and try again.


If you look really close you might just be able to see our little pumpkin. Because of her it is a little easier to take those steps into the darkness,
 putting one foot in front of the other as I try to find my way.

20 comments:

Anne and Whitney: Up, Down and All Around said...

tears pouring out as i read your post. i can't imagine how terribly difficult it is without Kristen there with you. thinking of you!

Brighton said...

My heart aches for you. *hugs*

Kristin said...

Praying for your family.

Lacey said...

I am so glad that you made it home with Kristen, the place she loved to be. And look at that sweet baby, I could just eat her up!

Brandi said...

We pray for you everyday! I love that sweet baby! Here is to tomorrow and one more day closer to reuniting with our children :).

Jeana said...

We are always praying for you and your family. We were able to go to Kristen's funeral and it was such a beautiful tribute to her. Thank you for sharing her life and your testimony with us.

crazymother said...

putting one foot in front of the other is sometimes super difficult. I pray that you will have the strength to continue on. Know that you are surrounded by people who love you and I am sure Kristen is watching over you.

Angi said...

I'm trying not to cry, I think about you and how you are doing, I don't know how you move forward Polly, it must be so terribly hard, even with all the good family that surrounds you...she is happy and pain free, the one thing a parent always wishes for their child...love to you and a great big hug for my friend I have never met in person. And Polly, I bet she's now met my brother Chris and they are singing, dancing and playing their guitars:-)

Heather said...

As I have learned all too well over the last year and a half,there is nothing I could possibly do or say to ease this road for you.As I watch all my mommy friends,journeying daily without their little loves,words fail but prayers never,ever cease.It's all I have for you my friend.It is all I have.

Cindy said...

Continuing to pray for you and your family.

Kim said...

Little steps....continued prayers for your family~

Amy L said...

Oh Polly,
I can't help but cry as I read your blog, missing Kristen and wishing I could have met her. She has been in our prayers and she still is. We continue to say God Bless Kristen every night. My heart hurts so much for you, I want you to know that you and your family are always in our prayers. Sending love,
Amy

My name is Sarah said...

We are saying a prayer for all of Kristen's family tonight. I love the new baby.

mandd3 said...

I think of you so often, and of what an amazing thing I've witnessed by following your blog. I think of the blankets and the sparkly beads and the sparkly lights and the sparkly eyes that went with them. I think about having two weddings, a new baby, and a funeral all so close together. I think of your boat, and that now you are swimming for shore. I think that the socks, and pajamas, and toothbrush and bedroom and the favorite chair, they are the shore. The place where you lay, exhausted after the long swim. The place where you cough and sputter and breath hard until you find rest. Then it is the place where you rest, where you lay and grow stronger, until one day you can stand at the shore, look out over the water and smile.

The VW's said...

My heart breaks thinking about how much you must miss your sweet girl! Thinking of you and praying!! Love, Hugs and Prayers!!!

JennyH said...

So glad Kristen made it home from the hospital. I can't even imagine how hard it is to live each day without your lovely daughter. Praying for you.

What a cute little girlie you have there! We have that same same piggy. Makes her look small laying next to that!

Kristi said...

{{{Polly}}} My heart aches for you! I have tears of sadness and joy for you all. I know she is out of all the pain she is in, but know how hard this is for you all.
I think of you everyday and pray for you too.
xoxo
Kristi

Jen Kershner said...

I'm so sad for your family. Kristin was clearly well loved and a special girl. I'm sure all who knew her, knew this to be true. May her spirit shine forever in your memories. My heart goes out to all of you. Jen

凱v胡倫 said...

愛情是一種發明,需要不斷改良。只是,這種發明和其他發明不一樣,它沒有專利權,隨時會被人搶走。.................................................................

ABandCsMom said...

I told my doctor, "if I get up and put one foot in front of the other, I consider it a bearable day". It's the hardest thing I've EVER had to do. Think of you often.