I created this blog when my sweet little girl, Kristen, was diagnosed with cancer, for the third time. After fighting for almost 3 years Kristen was called home to that same God who gave her life. One of my favorite quotes comes from Neal A. Maxwell- "Those who "plow in hope" not only understand the law of the harvest but they also understand what growing seasons are all about. True, those with genuine hope may see their proximate circumstances shaken like a kaleidoscope at times, yet with the "Eye of faith" they still see divine design." Kristen blessed lives and continues to do so. Her light continues to shine. As for me, I continue to "plow in hope" knowing well that Kristen is mine for eternity. Families can be together forever!

Friday, June 11, 2010

Where do I begin...


Once again I find myself sitting here trying to find the words. I’ve sat here many times and the tears start and I have to walk away. After hearing last Friday that leukemia blasts were again found in Kristen’s blood stream, the events of this week have played out as I expected them to, with the exception of the heart and gut wrenching pain that I have felt. It is much worse than I could have ever thought.

The results of Kristen’s bone marrow biopsy; 48% leukemia blasts in her bone marrow. For the moment her spinal fluid was clear, which means that as of now it has not spread to her central nervous system.
The love and care that Kristen has received from both the bone marrow transplant team and the oncology team has been amazing. Robert, one of the physician assistants, as he was examining Kristen, leaned over and whispered to her, “Did you know that you are one of my favorite patients?” I think she is pretty much everyone’s favorite. Everyone is sickened by the news of her relapse. Everyone has been diligent in caring for her and trying to find a cure that would work for her. Great love and care has been shown toward her by both the doctors and nurses and I will forever be grateful.
We find ourselves needing to make some decisions concerning her care. Decisions a parent should never have to make. Although the direction we should go is pretty well outlined by her doctor, the ultimate decision is up to us. After days of tears and prayers we are forced to face the reality of what is now before us.
The leukemia cells have shown their resilience and their furry.

Kristen has been started on oral chemotherapy. This chemo is not expected to put her in a remission. It is to kill off some of the leukemia cells and make her more comfortable. The doctors feel that pulling her back into the hospital and restarting intense chemotherapy would only be a great disservice to her. We were told that she may have 3 to 4 months. I can not believe I just typed that. This is all beyond surreal. This sweet child of mine has already endured more than any child should ever have to. I keep wishing I had something else to share, like maybe this is all a big mistake. I find myself stopping dead in my tracks and taking a deep breath and fighting the urge to throw up. Then I look at Kristen and think this girl doesn’t deserve this from me. I continue to try to be strong because she deserves no less. Kristen inspires me to go on in spite of the overwhelming feeling of despair that has encompassed me.
Her faith strengthens my faith and her resolve reinforces mine.
Are we giving up? NO. There is always room for miracles. There is always hope. There is always something to marvel about and be thankful for. There is beauty and ingenuity all around us.
We will not allow this disease to harm Kristen’s beauty, her grace or her dignity.
Kristen has once again bestowed upon us the gift of perspective, the lessons of fragility. and the meaning of life and what really matters. For now we will soak in the moments of our time together. We will pray for peace and understanding as we again pass through another moment of uncertainty. I would like to thank all of you from the bottom of my troubled heart for your kind words and your support. I could not possibly get through this without my amazing family and friends.

34 comments:

Angi said...

I have no words...my heart is breaking for you...she WILL guide you, and she will do it stronger than any of us could EVER imagine, or do ourselves for that matter...my heart is with you, even though your plans for Kristen have been changed I am quite certain there is a reason none of us yet know.

Brandi said...

I am thinking of you and Kristen. I am praying for a Miracle for you! My family is praying for a miracle for you, and we will pray for peace...You are always in my thoughts!! Let us know if we can do anything!

Adrienne said...

I'm so sorry this is happening once again to you all. Please know you all are in my prayers and for complete comfort for Kristen right now and in the coming days.

Junior said...

I am so very sorry to hear this. Kristen is in our thoughts and prayers

kara said...

My heart hurts for you . . . we almost lost our little man last week, and I truly don't know what I would have done. I will continue to lift you and Kristen up in prayer. May God give you peace and strength. You are one amazing mom.

Amy L said...

I am so sorry. Kristen is such a precious child, and has had to endure so much. I'm praying for peace and comfort for all of you and I also will keep praying for a miracle for Kristen.
Love,
Amy

Kristin said...

No No No! is all I can think right now. Praying for another miracle, and for Kristen's comfort as she endures.

Jana said...

Aunt Polly, this is devastating!!! Please let us know if there is ANYTHING we can do. We love you and are praying so very hard for you!!!

stephanie said...

I'm going to try my hardest to be positive and not to be negative. To lift Kristen up, and not give into the monster.

I'm going to try my hardest to remember that God's will is sometimes impossible for us to comprehend but never, NEVER without our best intentions in mind. And all to often we will never understand, until we ourselves stand face to face with Him.

I'm going to try my hardest to not shed any sorrowful tears. But to celebrate with Kristen, her life. Her, here and now, and how can I help her to have an awesome summer.

And I'm going to try my hardest to be a good and supportive friend to you, Polly. and a prayer warrior for your family.

All our love...

Meghan said...

I am so sorry. I have been so inspired by Kristen and your family.

Leah said...

We have been praying so hard for Kristen, and are saddened to her this news. The day you said the Leukemia cells were back, my stomach tied in knots, and I begged God to make it that the tests were wrong, or GVH would kick in.

Please know we are continuing to pray for your family.

eliz said...

Oh precious, precious, precious Polly and Kristen, We LOVE you.
((((HUGS)))))

ParkerMama said...

Our hearts and prayers are with you.

Please give that beautiful daughter of yours a hug from us.

Tammy and Parker
www.prayingforparker.com

Jenny said...

Even though I see it over and over again, I'm constantly shocked at how quickly things and situations change. I am just heartbroken for you and Kristen. But I do find so much comfort in knowing that there is a much greater plan. That is what has helped me time and again with our little one. You will all be in our prayers. I wish I had found Kristen's blog before we moved from UT. :(

ABandCsMom said...

I'm sitting here with my heart aching for your family. I can not imagine you having to deal with this again. I can not imagine you having to hear the doctor making it sound so matter of fact and final. It makes me sick. Kristen is such a fighter, she has proven that over and over. She will no doubt keep that fight up. Bless her heart for fighting a fight that none of our kids should ever have to take on. I'm thinking of you all daily. I would love to tell you that I'm praying for you, but I've lost that whole praying thing. Just can't bring myself to do it. I'm in such a troubled state of mind. However, you, Kristen and your entire family are always on my mind and in my heart. Give Kristen a hug from me. P.S. I will pass this on to my mom and dad. They will place your family on the prayer chain at Church.

SSBenjamins said...

I knew before I opened the post to read.. I knew the day I found your blog I felt a connection in SO many ways. Kristen is an angel and angel who has stood and taught so many of us. I wish I had words to make it go away and feel better, I know how much I miss Trent and I know how much you guys love Kristen, she is such a cutie; Prayers continue and miracles do happen- as you know she is a miracle and a bright one at that. I just love her cuteness and my heart is full as you as a Mother deals with these next steps- let us know what WE can do.. Hugs to ya. and loves to ya Kristen.

Heather said...

Oh my sweet friend ...We began this battle together,merely a month a part and,journeyed side by side.You were a voice of hope during my times of uncertainty,your daughter, a beacon of light through so many of those dark moments.Tonight,nothing has changed.We will journey forward together,side by side and faith and hope and that amazing,resilient,courageous daughter of yours will continue to be our guide.

We love you here in California,more than you could ever,ever know.

Peter Olson said...

I sent you an E-mail, hope you got it.

We continue to pray for Another Miracle.

Tina said...

I cannot believe what I am reading, and my heart aches for you right now. But as you said we are not giving up, there is such a thing called a miracle and Kristin of all people deserves this miracle.

I will be keeping her and your family in my prayers.

The VW's said...

I am so sorry that you are having to walk this road again and that the odds are not in Kristen's favor! This breaks my heart and I wish that you didn't have to make such tough decisions for your amazing girl!

I'll be thinking of you and praying! May you be given peace and strength today and always! Love, Hugs and Prayers!!!

stefanie said...

I am crying and praying hard for you!!!1

Joyce said...

As I was driving to Columbus last evening with Sarah asleep behind me, I was thinking of Kristen, you Polly and this journey you have been on. I have come to realize that each and every day we have is a precious gift. The miracle of life is not to be taken for granted. Some do not appreciate this concept and waste away so much potential, others embrace it and use each opportunity to teach others how to be better people. You, Kristen and your family have truly taught the world. There are hundreds who have been touched by your story, your selfless devotion, your son's incredible gift for his sister and now your heartfelt words as you so caringly prepare your readers that life is not something we control. Polly, as you cry, we cry with you. Please know you are all in our thoughts and prayers.

soontobemomof9 said...

I have been reading your blog for just a short time, but haven't commented. Kristen and you will remain in my prayers. I have no words.... But I have prayers!

Cindy said...

My heart aches for you and your family. Tears fill my eyes as I soak in the words that are painful to read. Please know you are not alone. People from all over are praying for you; crying with you. We've never met, but you mean so much to me.
Cindy from Seattle

JennyH said...

Joyce said it pretty good!!

My heart breaks for you right now. I pray for you, Kristen and the entire family. We are all here to support you and Kristen.

Donna, Champuru.net said...

My heart just broke to pieces when I read this. I came to the site hoping for an update of good news but am so saddened to hear of the relapse. Immediately lifted prayers for Kristen, for you, and your family. Kristen is such an inspiration and blessing to so many. We will continue to pray for your precious girl.

Blessings from Hawaii,
Donna
http://www.champuru.net/blog

Jeana said...

I was so sad to read this. We are thinking and praying for Kristen and your family.

Monica said...

I have tried several times to write some words of wisdom...but nothing I write feels right except...I will be praying for Kristin's Miracle and peace and strength for her family...and I will be asking all of my friends to do the same.

Sasha said...

Oh I am so sorry to hear this and I know your heart is breaking now. I am hoping and praying that you are able to find some alternative treatment or new drug out there to help her. You have all gone through such a long and brave journey. My heart goes out to you. When my mom was ill we went crazy and researched lots of alternative things...she just didn't have the time. I am not sure if you are interested in the info. Give me a shout and I can find it for ya. HUGS.

Brighton said...

I am so sorry- you are both in my thoughts and prayers. *hugs*

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Dawn said...

My heart is breaking for you. I understand some of what you are feeling as we are going through the same thing, though not with cancer. Just making decisions that affect the lenght of life my child has left.

Please know that Kristen and your whole family are in my thougths and prayers.

Shauna said...

My heart hurts for you. I have not experienced this kind of challenge, but I want to understand. Thank you for sharing the deepest part of you with so many. We are praying for you and Kristen. May our Father in Heaven guide you and give you strength to deal with whatever comes.

To Love Endlessly said...

We are thinking and praying for your beautiful girl and your family. The "right" words simply fail me now, and although we've never met. God knows what must be said. I will pray for a miracle from our heavenly Father.